silence

my silence throws bats at you, 
hurts you, 
punctures you. 
you cannot stand it –  
but why? 
why must you make me turn to silence? 
I must let you know you hurt me somehow, 
and silence has always been my best option.

if I was god.

you cannot see me the way I see myself
and I don’t know if that’s a blessing or a curse.
if I could change one thing about this world,
just one, present or past,
I would change the course of stars that started it all,
and thus keep this life away from existence.
at least that way I wouldn’t be feeling this way,
these problems wouldn’t be problems,
this madness wouldn’t be present,
but, too, this bird would not be signing.

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sleep spy

casually watching you sleep
scared to be caught
amazed by your not-entirely-closed eyes
how I can still see your pupils
from underneath your eyelids
it’s a little bit of a scary look –
if not for your expanding chest,
your inhale and exhale,
your heartbeat against my skin,
you would look as if dead.
hours later at nighttime,
when I have already dropped you off home,
I will be wishing you were still here,
when sleep cannot find me
I will daydream of your presence,
and only your warmth would protect me
from my nightmarish mind.

let me guess…

what are we, but just guessers?
we guess the moon is x million miles away
from our home, the earth
we guess when dogs bark at emptiness,
they are barking towards some negative energy
we guess the stars that shine the brightest are actually dead
we guess the sun will engulf itself in flames
and this whole array of life will burst to emptiness
we create, we calculate, and then give some meaning to our calculation
we can’t be content with the unknowing
we take a wild guess and hope for the best
we guess the meaning of life is found in our moment of death
and I
and I
and I
am just another guesser myself
and guess your lips would look best locked into mine


I thought I’d tell you I don’t know what’s going on,
But I’m numb,
Not even news overwhelm me anymore.
I’m just thinking of the final day it’s all done,
And I don’t have to pretend any longer.
I thought I’d tell you I don’t know what’s going on,
But I don’t seem to enjoy this anymore.
The routine exhausted me into boredom,
The adventure left us, the monotony settled in.
I thought I’d tell you I don’t know what’s going on,
But I don’t know how to live anymore.
My sadness is stuck in my throat,
And any amount of sleep is not enough.
I always wake up.
I thought I’d tell you I don’t know what’s going on,
But I tried to finally end me all at once.
Of course it didn’t work,
And I’m just left thinking how any person can survive this for decades,
It’s beyond me.
I thought I’d tell you I don’t know what’s going on,
But my mind has convinced me you finally see what you’ve gotten into.
I can’t find joy when all I do is survive,
And any plan of escapade is only momentary…
Real life always comes back.
I thought I’d tell you,
I thought I would,
But no.

continuance.

I pray for continuance.
Many people pray for riches, fame, perhaps even the demise of an enemy…
But I pray for continuance.
Continuance of you.
Continuance of us.
I pray that at the end of a hard day, your arms are still there to hold me tightly against your warmth.
I pray that when I lose myself walking around the labyrinth of this world, your voice in my ear still whispers, It’s okay.
You’ll find yourself again someday.
I pray that when I’m being especially hard on you, or myself, you continue to take it lightly, not personally.
I pray that the sun still shines its golden rays through the clouds at sunrise, forming a spectacle I can’t possibly photograph justly.
Just so I can tell you, “Hey, look at that.”
Continuance of the moon.
Continuance of your love.
I pray that when all this ends, grace will find me and give me the strength to endure it, or send me death.
I pray grace will find you, too.
I pray to have enough confidence and security to not doubt at any moment your love for me;
But not too much so that I don’t take it for granted.
Continuance of your mouth.
Continuance of your eyes.
I pray that whatever happens it doesn’t end in us being strangers;
And if it does, I pray life will be kind enough to make us meet again.

the sea



the sea calls out to me
like a mother calls to her child when he’s gone for too long;
I run wild and free,
but I always come back to her sweet embrace,
knowing well it is by her side where I belong.

scenery

It’s easy to feel hopeless
When all you see is life through a screen,
Through the screaming voices of the others,
Through the headlines on printed paper,
Through the numbers and statistics,
Through the empty routine of yet another day,
Through the endless insecurities,
And the knowledge of a useless end.
But what about seeing life
Through the vibrant buzz on the outside,
Through the silence of your inner voice,
Through the words of the ones who love you,
Through the amount of wonders experienced,
Through the routine of coming back home,
Through the secure hug of your partner,
And the knowledge of a possible beginning?

how many times,  
in the midst of despair, 
have I called out your name again and again, 
only to be followed by the unbearableness of silence, 
the sound of my life without you? 
 
did you hear me screaming it out? 
or did you, 
just like my cries for help, 
my heart-stopping grief and insurmountable pain, 
ignore the urgency of it, 
only to focus on the needs of your own, 
the sound of sweet voices of angel?

Escritos variados: XXV.

Ay amor 
Ay amor 
Ay amor 
¿Cómo te explico? 

——
I worry so much about you and us at times… I wish everything was as easy as breathing.  
——
Last night, a dreamless night 
unless you count the six hours I spent with you

which felt like a dream 
——
The taste of your Manhood in my lips. 
——
best you ever had 
best I ever had 

——
05/2022: Somehow we made it to almost 9 months. It’s felt like a roller coaster – at least, for me. Trying to not make the same mistakes as in the past has led me to “accept” some stuff that I’m not really comfortable with. And I wonder what’s the right choice, I guess no one knows. Like today when you told me of -her- invitation for her birthday/graduation. I don’t like her, so why would I go? So I told you I didn’t want to go but you could still go (ha) and you -rightfully- said it’d feel wrong to go without me. And then I remember – this won’t matter in a few years, but this indecision, this “fight”, this worry, has made me -literally- tremble. I have cried so much today. I keep telling myself (and you) it’s only my period. And I haven’t cried like this in a while (have I?) and I wonder how much stronger I have to be, how much longer I have to pretend to be. 
——
June 5:  he can’t get tired of me. He’s amazed by how much he wants me. He tries, but can’t get his mind off me. He doesn’t even care to look at others but me. He knows he won’t find in them what he finds in me. He can’t believe how lucky he got when he got with me. He wonders how he’ll survive when I’m not there, without me. He knows he would have to be crazy to ever leave me. That’s why he tries and tries so hard, he flatters me. Treats me like a queen, spoils me. Looks at his past and knows he was right to wait for me. 
——
June 9: just thinking about how in short 10 months, you have done more for me than my ex-“partner” did in 4 years. 
You are just so much better in every aspect… and I don’t mean to compare, but how can I ~not~? 
The way you open the car door for me and kiss me on the lips before closing it for me, once I’m seated in. 
The way you remind me every day to drive home safe after work. 
The way you caress and cuddle me, and make sure I’m deeply satisfied sexually. 
-you seem to put my pleasure before yours- 
The way you show up for my mom and sister, like taking my mom for dinner on Mother’s Day and getting my sister a birthday gift (it’s the little things.) 
The way you touch my face while laying there. 
The way you do your best to make sure my car is okay – you even learned new things to fix some issues. 
The way you let me have my way. 
The way you’ve never purposely commented bad on my looks, the way others have done. 
Oh how much I adore you. 
——
03/31/2022: what kind of twenty-five-year-old scribbles her boyfriend’s name on her notebook as if she was a thirteen-year-old?  

——
Far from being rich but I feel like I won the lottery with you. 
——
06/22/2022: hard day. Feeling like I suffer for two people: my boyfriend and me. 
——
I forgot who I was before I met you, and I don’t want to know who I will be after you. 
——
My hair feels purposeless unless you’re breathing into it.